Post originally written in Chinese on my WeChat Public Account. Google Gemini English translation is available at the end. If any intellectual property rights are violated in the English translation, please leave a comment below, and I will take down the English version.
七月从躺平到轻微触底反弹。
可能是四五六月积攒下来的社交量，也可能是让人无限烦心的疹子，七月从躺平开始。一方面是解压，一方面是因为荨麻疹尽量减少阳光直射和运动导致的体温升高。但是一旦开始躺平，就会忍不住一直躺着无所事事。工作依旧是平常的朝九晚五，工作之后本来的运动计划也被健康问题扰乱，最后就只剩下变成一只大沙发土豆。其实有一系列自己想工作之余完成的事情，但是沙发就和毒品一样，陷进去就再也起不来了。大脑一直在咆哮挣扎着想挣脱惰性，但是身体却不听使唤，于是就不停地在自我谴责和耽于享乐之间来回跳跃，或者是在两种状态中同时存在。这其实也是自己这么多年来跳不出的循环–先是一段忙碌压力大的时间，之后就需要很久的反弹，报复式休息。
和心理医生聊的时候他和我说不要给自己贴懒惰的标签，也不要一直给自己的列表里增添更多事情。贴标签并不是很有帮助，相反会让人更加消极沮丧，丧失改变的动力。需要做的是仔细审视现实、列举证据，而不是盲目给自己增加负担。很久以来，我经常把自己的状态和addiction作比较，在网上搜索的时候也看到一种叫做“behavioral addiction”的东西，虽然不及真正的药物上瘾严重，但是长久下来对身心都不友好。心理医生每每听到我这么说都忍不住笑。他自己就是专攻addiction治疗的，在他看来，我这是夸大事实杞人忧天。在仔细冲浪webmd并且咨询了真正的医生之后，对自己的问题的担心小了一些，感觉我还没有病入膏肓。陷进沙发里看电视的确有一部分是因为在逃避长长的to-do list和这个list导致的停不下焦虑的大脑，但也有一部分是正常休息，不需要把自己看的完全不可救药。
于是在七月过了一大半的时候，在感觉已经触摸到了地底的地底的懒惰之后，我下定了决心花一段时间远离各种视频平台，直面自己的焦虑和停不下来的大脑，看看在空出来的时间里能做成些什么。结果还真让我做成了一些事儿。最开始的一两天挺难熬的，思绪发散乱窜，在各种to-do之间狂跳，很难专心。平常压力一大就逃避到休闲享乐中，现在没了享乐的来源，只能强行收拢思绪，一件一件事儿做。在calendar上把每个小时都安排好，让自己没有无意识选择逃避的时机，运动、录音乐、读书、洗漱，也给了自己留了两个小时休闲时间。这样两周下来终于把拖了很久的音乐demo做好，也积极运动，每天花15分钟做devotional，收拾家的时候听卡拉马佐夫兄弟，现在算是比较准时的写了七月总结，也终于在拖延了快两个月之后预约了皮肤科医生，开了还算有用的过敏药，也去做了血检排查。
在最后一天，发现荨麻疹有所改进。在运动之后竟然没怎么出疹子。这很有可能和我停了一周的沙拉有关系，不知道是冷的蔬菜的缘故还是在沙拉里加的椰子提取油的缘故。总之，希望这是慢慢好起来的征兆。
七月也在一些社交活动中增长了很多处理人际矛盾的经验，不能说是进步了，但总归是没之前那么怕人与人之间的矛盾了。被一位长辈的道歉感动，希望在未来自己做错的时候也能够放下pride给他人道歉。也夹在两个人的争吵之中手足无措过，神也教导我不要随意站队，不要加入到矛盾之中。
八月希望能够慢慢在忙碌和休息中找到平衡。希望在七月末开始的一系列事情能坚持下来，也能很好地把休闲娱乐有控制地加入到其中。想开始家庭读书会，想开始找工作，想完成音乐录制混剪，想看完一些书，想回到正常体重范围。想做的很多，一件一件来吧。
Below is a Google Gemini-generated English translation. I did not edit afterwards.
July began with a deep dive into “lying flat”—perhaps as a reaction to the social burnout of the past few months, or maybe due to the persistent irritation of my hives. On one hand, it was about decompressing; on the other, it was a practical necessity to avoid direct sunlight and the rising body temperature caused by exercise. But once the “lying flat” begins, it’s hard to stop. My work remains the usual 9-to-5, but once off the clock, my planned exercise routine was disrupted by health issues, leaving me as a glorified “couch potato.” I have a long list of things I want to accomplish outside of work, but the sofa is like a drug—once you sink in, it’s nearly impossible to get back up. My mind screams and struggles to break free from inertia, yet my body refuses to obey. I find myself oscillating between self-condemnation and indulgence—or sometimes, trapped in both states at once. This is a cycle I’ve struggled to break for years: a period of high-pressure busyness followed by a long, retaliatory “rebound” of excessive rest.
When I spoke with my therapist, he told me to stop labeling myself as “lazy” and to stop constantly adding more tasks to my list. Labeling isn’t helpful; instead, it breeds negativity and despondency, draining the motivation for change. What is needed is a clear-eyed look at reality and an inventory of evidence, rather than blindly burdening myself. For a long time, I’ve compared my state to an “addiction.” While browsing online, I came across the term behavioral addiction; while not as severe as chemical dependency, it is still unhealthy for the mind and body over time. My therapist can’t help but smile whenever I say this. As a specialist in addiction treatment, he thinks I’m exaggerating and worrying unnecessarily. After some careful surfing on WebMD and consulting a real doctor, my worries have lessened. I realized I haven’t reached a “terminal” stage of indolence. Sinking into the sofa to watch TV is partly an escape from a daunting to-do list and the anxiety-ridden brain that won’t stop, but it is also a form of normal rest. I don’t need to view myself as beyond redemption.
Thus, past the halfway point of July, after feeling like I had touched the absolute bottom of my own laziness, I made a resolution: to stay away from video platforms for a while and face my anxiety and restless mind head-on, just to see what I could accomplish in that newly vacant time. It turns out, I actually got some things done. The first day or two were rough; my thoughts were scattered, jumping frantically between tasks, making it hard to focus. Usually, when stress hits, I flee into leisure. Without that escape hatch, I was forced to reel in my thoughts and tackle things one by one. I scheduled every hour on my calendar to eliminate any window for unconscious procrastination—exercise, recording music, reading, hygiene—while still allowing myself two hours of downtime. After two weeks, I finally finished a long-overdue music demo, maintained an active exercise routine, and spent 15 minutes daily on my devotionals. While tidying the house, I listened to The Brothers Karamazov. Now, I am writing this July summary relatively on time. I also finally made an appointment with a dermatologist after nearly two months of delay, was prescribed helpful allergy medication, and went for blood work to rule out other issues.
On the very last day of the month, I noticed my hives had improved. After exercising, I barely broke out. This might be related to the fact that I stopped eating salads for a week—I’m not sure if it’s the cold vegetables or the coconut oil extract I was adding. Regardless, I hope this is a sign of gradual healing.
July also brought growth in handling interpersonal conflicts. I wouldn’t say I’ve mastered it, but I am certainly less afraid of friction than before. I was moved by an elder’s apology; I hope that in the future, when I am in the wrong, I too can lay down my pride and apologize to others. I also found myself caught helplessly in the middle of a quarrel between two people. God taught me not to take sides blindly and not to get unnecessarily dragged into the conflict.
For August, I hope to slowly find a balance between busyness and rest. I hope to sustain the habits I started at the end of July while integrating leisure back into my life in a controlled way. I want to start a family book club, begin searching for a new job, complete my music recording and mixing, finish some books, and return to a healthy weight range. There is much to do, but I will take it one thing at a time.
