Post originally written in Chinese on my WeChat Public Account. Google Gemini English translation is available at the end. If any intellectual property rights are violated in the English translation, please leave a comment below, and I will take down the English version.
五月六月过的糊里糊涂，静不下来。
五月是社交应接不暇。六月是报复性自闭。最后就是七月快过了一半才拖拖拉拉两个月并作一个月简单总结一下。
五月的事儿一个接一个。助教的神学课结业，老爸大姨访美，要好的妹妹和弟弟研究生毕业，好友拖了很久的大学毕业，我很爱的一家人搬去了佛罗里达，哥大毕业五年的reunion，各种约饭吃喝。回头想了想，自从我回到美国开始，就没有一个周末是完完全全属于自己的。周六总是有这样那样的计划；周日作为基督徒基本一多半也是给了教堂和团契。其实回想一下，在美国这么多年一直是单休。高中的时候会和寄宿家人一起去教堂，信主是在高中快毕业，信主之后来到纽约就是自己去教堂了。虽然主日是神赐予人的休沐日，但是这么久的习惯有时候会让人在最忙的时候好奇有双休日的人们的周末会是什么样的。不过写到这里想想看，在国内的时候初中高中其实也是单休或者无休，周六正常上课，周日补习班。这么算下来我半辈子都是单休，也是有趣。
在连续的社交中，我时常感谢神赐予我的种种缘分。在神学课收获了能分享人生讨论信仰的新朋友，在jersey多了个活泼的妹妹，成了教堂好友孩子的阿姨，见了五年没见过的大学同学。虽然忙忙叨叨，但没有什么是强制的社交，总归没什么好抱怨的，想来只能说是幸福的烦恼。
六月前半个月是五月忙碌的余波。五月快结束的时候想着忙完五月这一波，六月终于能好好休息一下了，但是还没想多久，就开始一点一点排上事儿了。每一周开始的时候都在想，社交完这个周末，下个周末终于是自己的了，结果没两天，突然下个周末也排上了日程，pool party, roof-top bbq, camping… 最后只剩下一周的时间来真正实施计划了很久的宅家自我恢复。说是恢复，其实更像是报复性躺平。下了班没了社交，却也没有好好休息眼睛大脑，躺在沙发上就是看电视看到睡觉的点儿。看见信息也拒绝回复，只想着与世隔绝。这么下来，心情反而一天比一天差。最后实在太对这股子颓废劲儿自我厌弃，就爬起来运动一下，结果一运动就是起一身痒入骨里的疹子。
这疹子就是六月在健康方面的大事儿。六月初和朋友在室外泳池玩儿了半个下午，回来以后就浑身起荨麻疹，吃了过敏药也没什么用。之后就是好几周拿自己做控制变量实验。几轮实验下来，推断的过敏缘由从一开始的泳池氯，到太阳光，到胶原蛋白粉，最后停留在了体温变化，英文叫heat hive。一旦体温突然升高，就会长hive，阳光照射或者运动都是诱因。结果就是减肥计划走走停停，一运动就得忍受晚上来来回回因为麻疹痒醒。其实是应该去看看医生，但是因为皮肤科大多处理的不是什么致命的问题，皮肤科医生的appointment大多只能约到几个月之后，到时候可能我疹子自己就好了，于是我就懒了。看一些webmd网站，这个毛病有可能是终身的，但也有15%的人可以痊愈，所以我就请主多多看顾，彻底治愈我吧。
总体来说，这两个月让我更清楚的意识到我还是偏i一些。虽然很喜欢和朋友一起吃吃喝喝，但是在高强度社交之后，我需要找个角落独自休养许久。五月六月的忙碌和躺平的交替其实也是我的行为模式之一，忙碌的时候回到家就没精力做别的想做的事儿，躺平的时候心被掏空饮鸩止渴，最后还是靠精神鸦片度日。四月的总结里写了很多想要爱自己的想法，但这之后的两个月下来，还是印证了很简单的道理–想要实践光有想法还是远远不够的。虽然心里想着想爱自己一点，只做想做的，但是想做的事儿太多，一件件累积下来所有的事情就又变成骆驼身上的稻草。期待着将来能慢慢改变。
五月六月有很多想做的事因为心气儿没有了就一直没开始做。现在写在文章里也好借着读者的眼睛激励一下自己。想更多阅读圣经，多祷告，多做devotional，想和朋友完成高中毕业十周年的纪念歌曲，想开始找新工作，想办一个worship night，想养成早睡早起的习惯，想看完最后一本三体，想办一个家人的线上读书查经会。希望七月结束之前能完成至少一件事儿。
Below is a Google Gemini-generated English translation. I did not edit afterwards.
May and June passed in a blur of distraction. I couldn’t seem to find my center.
May was a non-stop whirlpool of social engagements, while June turned into a period of retaliatory isolation. Now, with July already half-gone, I am finally dragging myself to write a brief summary of these two months combined into one.
In May, one event followed another without pause. My theology course (as a TA) concluded; my father and aunt visited the U.S.; my dear younger “sister” and brother graduated from their master’s programs; a long-time friend finally celebrated their university graduation; a family I love dearly moved to Florida; and I attended my five-year Columbia reunion, filled with dinners and drinks. Looking back, since I returned to the States, not a single weekend has belonged entirely to me. Saturdays are always packed with plans; Sundays, as a Christian, are mostly dedicated to church and fellowship. It occurred to me while writing this that I have lived on a “one-day weekend” schedule for years. In high school, I went to church with my host family; I converted near graduation, and since moving to New York, I’ve navigated church life on my own. While the Sabbath is a day of rest granted by God, this long-standing habit occasionally makes me curious about what a “two-day weekend” feels like for others. Then again, looking back at my middle and high school years in China, I either had one day off or none at all, with classes on Saturdays and cram school on Sundays. It’s funny to realize I’ve spent half my life on a single-day rest cycle.
Amidst this continuous socializing, I am frequently grateful for the various connections God has graced me with. Through the theology class, I gained new friends to discuss faith and life with; I gained a vibrant younger sister in Jersey; I became an “auntie” to the child of a close church friend; and I reunited with college classmates I hadn’t seen in five years. Even though it was hectic, none of it was forced, so there is truly nothing to complain about—it’s what I’d call “happy troubles.”
The first half of June felt like the aftershocks of May’s busyness. Toward the end of May, I thought I’d finally get a real break, but before the thought could even settle, my schedule began to fill up again bit by bit. Every week would start with the hope that next weekend would finally be mine, only for plans like pool parties, rooftop BBQs, and camping to materialize out of nowhere. Finally, I was left with only one week to implement my long-planned “at-home recovery.” Though I called it recovery, it felt more like retaliatory “lying flat.” After work, the social noise stopped, but I didn’t give my eyes or brain a proper rest. I would simply lie on the sofa watching TV until bedtime. I ignored messages, wanting only to be secluded from the world. Paradoxically, this made my mood worsen day by day. Eventually, I grew so disgusted with this decadence that I forced myself to exercise—only for the movement to trigger a skin rash so itchy it felt like it was in my bones.
This rash was the major health event of June. After spending half an afternoon at an outdoor pool with friends in early June, I broke out in hives that wouldn’t budge even with allergy medication. I spent the following weeks treating myself as a controlled variable experiment. After several rounds, my hypothesized cause shifted from pool chlorine to sunlight, then to collagen powder, finally landing on temperature changes—known as Cholinergic Urticaria, or “heat hives.” Any sudden rise in body temperature triggers them; sunlight and exercise are the primary culprits. Consequently, my weight loss plan has been start-and-stop, as I often wake up itching in the middle of the night after working out. I really should see a doctor, but since dermatology appointments for non-life-threatening issues are often booked months out—by which time it might resolve on its own—I’ve been lazy about it. According to WebMD, this condition can be lifelong for some, but 15% of people recover completely. I’m asking the Lord to watch over me and heal me thoroughly.
Overall, these two months have clarified that I am still quite an “I” (Introvert) at heart. While I love eating and drinking with friends, a high-intensity social period requires me to retreat into a corner to recuperate for a long time. The oscillation between May’s busyness and June’s “lying flat” is one of my behavioral patterns: when busy, I have no energy for anything else; when lying flat, my heart feels empty, and I end up “drinking poison to quench thirst,” relying on “spiritual opium” (mindless scrolling/TV) to get through the day. In my April summary, I wrote a lot about wanting to love myself, but these two months have proven a simple truth: having the idea is far from enough to practice it. I want to love myself and only do what I truly want to do, but the list of things I want to do is so long that each item becomes another straw on the camel’s back. I hope to change this slowly.
There are many things I wanted to do in May and June that never started because I lost my “momentum.” Writing them here is a way to use the readers’ eyes to motivate myself. I want to read the Bible more, pray more, do more devotionals; I want to finish the 10th-anniversary high school graduation song with my friends; I want to start looking for a new job; I want to host a worship night; I want to build a habit of sleeping and waking up early; I want to finish the final book of The Three Body Problem; and I want to start an online book club/Bible study for my family. I hope to complete at least one of these before July ends.
