Post originally written in Chinese on my WeChat Public Account. Google Gemini English translation is available at the end. If any intellectual property rights are violated in the English translation, please leave a comment below, and I will take down the English version.
五月结束的时候才完成四月的总结。总归是拖拖拉拉。现在分好几次写完了，还是可以自我表扬一下的，就是不知道什么时候能写完五月的总结。
最早起草四月总结是4月30号，本想着终于能第一次准时完成了，但是写到一半的时候，突如其来的五月忙碌把我想静下来的精力都冲跑了，就拖到了现在。第二次开始写是在五月纽约突然变热的一天，坐在上西区一家咖啡厅的室外座位，享受旁边的一点树荫和在树叶空隙中透出来的斑驳夕阳，希望能尽力回忆起几周以前的四月。这最后一次写就是在自己的沙发上，看着日历上的5月31日，想着再不写日历上的5就变成6了。
现在想来，四月是重启的一个月。
四月份从弟弟家搬回了自己的公寓。公寓比想象中的要陌生许多，感觉路易比自己还要适应这个家。他很快就放松下来，四处团团，我却带着很多的不熟悉重新审视自己小窝的一切。从去年12月回到中国、到3月回到美国、到借住老弟家几周，算下来已经离开自己的公寓四个月了。已经这么久没有自己住–自己和自己共处（外加猫儿子），自己给自己做饭（外加猫儿子），自己照顾自己（外加猫儿子）。
离开一个熟悉的地方足够长的一段时间，回来之后就仿佛什么都是新的，什么都能用不同的视角去审视。可能小别胜新婚也是一个道理吧，一段时间的离别，对家的热情都增加了几分。于是带着一点点陌生感和充足的新鲜劲儿，一回家就开始了热乎乎的清扫工程。
第一件要做的就是大扫除。许久不住人，家里连人气儿都没有了，到处落灰。之前几个月俩男生借住在家里帮忙看猫的时候总归不算太乱，但是离我的标准还差许多。扫除是项大工程，每个桌面柜子角落的擦抹、冬春衣物的替换、厕所地板马桶的清洁、床单被罩毛巾衣服的清洗。。。就连沙发套窗帘也都一鼓作气一并洗掉。十几锅laundry下来，干净的不只是家，感觉灵魂都被刷了一遍。捐掉一大推车的东西，把窗底下、衣柜里、橱柜里那些陈放落灰的东西都掏出来拿走，就像是甩掉了心中沉积许久只能增加烦恼的无用之物。
家的重启很惊喜地变成了心灵的重启。日常的打扫其实本就能帮我清扫心灵，但这次的大工程好像是把我过去几个月在大脑表层和潜意识里思考的东西都规整起来，从让人焦虑的繁杂头绪中理出了线头。线头是从一次在椭圆仪上的小念头开始，到这次大扫除总算是看出了这念头背后的模样。
从高中休学时增重之后，我为了减肥加入田径队并开始去健身房，后来慢慢就成了习惯。习惯了每次去健身房之前，都会先设想一个有氧运动的时长目标–今天椭圆仪20分钟，明天25分钟，这周要增加到30分钟。等到了健身房，就在健身仪器上设置计时，在运动的过程中看着时钟一点点减少最后到零。那是四月很平常的一天，现在想来也没发生什么特别的事，我照例下了班去健身房。但就在那天，我站上椭圆仪的时候，突然想，为什么不从零开始–直接按下”quick start”，看着计时器从零开始慢慢增加，在运动的过程中感受自己身体的状况，边走边看。如果感觉有体力再蹬一会儿，或者如果想再蹬一会儿，那就再蹬一会儿；如果累了，或者就是不想了，那就停下来也没什么不可以。这样一点一点蹬下来，到最后也有20多分钟，但是心情和平日总归是不同了。
椭圆仪只是很小的一件事。或许道理真的很简单，但是能有这样走心的想法真的花了很久。一直以来，我总是在做自己看来应该或者必须做的事儿–我应该给家人每周打电话、买圣诞礼物、传福音，因为这是我做女儿的责任；我必须把这个ppt一页一页改过，因为这是我对客户的责任；我应该关心每个团契小组组员、为他们祷告，因为这是我作为基督徒、作为组长应尽的责任；我应该再花点时间把我们合唱的音乐剪辑好，因为这是作为朋友应当做的。光是这么打字下来，我都隐隐感到窒息。
在我的人生中，一个一个“我应该”、“我必须”堆叠成了压死骆驼的一座山。最后只剩下被压垮的我和无论怎么做都“not enough”的结论。很多我做过的事情，一开始的时候本是因为真心想做–真心想看到家人们收到礼物开心的样子，真心想服务客户、解决他们的问题，真心想扩展教堂的华语ministry，真心想和朋友们一起做个有趣的project。可是，做到了最后，所有的“想做”都变成了“应该做”，一开始想要做一件事的快乐也都变成了必须要做好的负担。
所以椭圆仪上的思考是这么长时间和therapist一起打破这个”should statement”思维模式的小成果。过去的一年半一直和心理医生做CBT(Cognitive Behavioral Therapy，认知行为疗法)的治疗，其中我们谈的最多的就是其中的一个cognitive distortion（认知扭曲）是”should statement”（”我应该”句式）。这种用“我应该”来鞭策自己、最终落得一身压力的思维方式是活到现在刻在我脑子里心里的习惯。这段时间的治疗帮助我慢慢更好地在用这种句式给自己压力的时候意识到并且及时刹车。之前三个月在国内时的焦虑和四月的思考给了我重启的力量，像是谁把那只被压倒的骆驼身上的山削去了一点。我知道这么久的思维定式不会那么容易改过来，但是我想对自己宽容一些，多允许自己有局限一些。我想做自己想做的，真心想做的。如果一件事不是真心想做、或者只是为了责任应该做，那么，如果这件事不紧急的话，那就允许自己不做。我想在做一件事儿的时候脑子里的句式不是“我应该”，而是“我想”。
耶稣讲在十诫中最重要的两条–爱上帝，爱你的邻居（身边的人）就像爱你自己一样。自从我信主，我对第二条的关注点一直都在爱邻居上。我要爱我的家人、朋友、同事、在远方的不认识的人、甚至是敌人。但是，我近几个月时常在想，既然是“爱你的邻居就像爱你自己一样”，那我如果连爱自己都不知道怎么爱，那我还怎么对照着爱自己的方式来爱自己的邻居？所以未来，我想疗愈，我想多爱自己，我想在过人生的同时也享受它。我想在践行耶稣的话语时也能真心开心地荣耀神。
四月和妈妈一起在NJ给弟弟过了生日买了蛋糕（爸爸远在电话另一头）。也排了长队买了solar eclipse glasses看到了日食，感慨了造物主的神奇。四月也见证了好友的求婚，很感动。
四月也终于开了许诺已久的party。从去年年底就计划着中国新年主题，到不得不推迟成元宵节主题，到现在四月底，只好改成为路易庆生的主题。路易其实是3月3的生日，所以他不知道自己完全被妈妈当成了借口，只为了和朋友们欢乐一下。第一次有dress code，大家都穿着粉粉的为路易庆生。第一次专门为party设计了文化衫，作为奖励发给了第一个吃到幸运糖饺子的一男一女。真心感谢在NY NJ的community，朋友们的到来真的给我了许多祝福。感恩朋友，感恩家人，感恩主。
四月也终于有勇气直面自己的体重。这两年因为工作的压力stress eat，增重了很多，但是我一直都不敢称体重，一直在自我欺骗。但是心态变轻了之后，竟然勇敢了起来。虽然被体重吓了一大跳，但是还是为自己很久没有迈开的一步感到开心。于是在做了一些调查之后开始轻断食，一方面是减肥，一方面是轻断食是近些年科学研究表明的更健康的生活习惯。很神奇的是这个生活规律竟然能激发我对做饭的热情。以前我最发愁的就是为自己做饭，一旦忙起来我的大脑容量就没有空间给做饭了，所以也是瞎吃。身边的人问起我一般吃什么，我总是回想不起来。因为这篇四月总结是五月底写的，我也可以剧透一下这个轻断食我还是在好好坚持。虽然中间时不时会中断一两天，但我也没有很责备自己。可能对自己的宽容也真的帮我坚持下来。
四月也是第一次遇到很难相处的同事，在zoom上被委屈到气哭。幸好是zoom，所以也没有给对方什么困扰。同事不是个什么坏人，只是工作方式和习惯同我差别很大。过去这些年在工作上虽然经常burn out，但是总体和同事之间相处合作都很顺畅愉快，所以这次遇到这样的同事，一开始真的很难接受，感到处处不被理解并且开始怀疑自己的能力，但是慢慢地开始摒弃自己内心积攒的傲慢，也意识到了自己的不足。在慢慢和同事的磨合中学了很多，也很感激生命中有这样的encounter。
Below is a Google Gemini-generated English translation. I did not edit afterwards.
It is already the end of May, and I am only just finishing my April summary. Procrastination seems to be my theme. Still, having completed it across several sittings, I’ll give myself a little pat on the back—though I have no idea when May’s summary will be finished.
I first drafted this on April 30th, hoping to finally finish one on time. But the sudden busyness of May swept away the energy I needed to be still. My second attempt was on a day when New York suddenly turned hot; I sat in an outdoor seat at a cafe in the Upper West Side, enjoying a bit of shade and the dappled sunlight peeking through the leaves, trying my best to recall the April of several weeks ago. This final sitting is on my sofa, staring at May 31st on the calendar, knowing that if I don’t write now, the “5” will turn into a “6.”
Looking back, April was a month of rebooting.
I moved back to my own apartment from my brother’s place. The apartment felt much more foreign than I imagined; it seemed Louis (my cat) adapted to the home faster than I did. He relaxed quickly and curled up everywhere, while I re-examined my little nest with a lingering sense of unfamiliarity. Between going back to China in December, returning to the U.S. in March, and staying at my brother’s for a few weeks, I had been away from my own place for four months. It had been so long since I lived alone—just me and my cat-son, cooking for myself and taking care of myself.
When you leave a familiar place long enough, everything feels new upon your return, as if you can see it through a different lens. Perhaps it’s like the saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder”—the time away added a few degrees of passion for my home. So, armed with a touch of strangeness and a burst of freshness, I launched into a “warm” deep-cleaning project.
The first thing was the big cleanup. A house uninhabited for too long loses its “living” energy and gathers dust everywhere. Although the two guys who stayed here to help watch the cat kept it from being too messy, it was far from my standards. Cleaning was a massive undertaking: wiping every surface and corner, swapping winter clothes for spring ones, scrubbing the bathroom, washing bedsheets, towels, and clothes… I even washed the sofa covers and curtains in one go. After a dozen loads of laundry, it wasn’t just the house that was clean; it felt as if my soul had been scrubbed. Donating a whole trolley of things—pulling out the dust-gathering items from under the windows, the back of closets, and cabinets—felt like shedding a long-accumulated mental weight that had only added to my worries.
The reboot of my home surprisingly turned into a reboot of my spirit. Routine cleaning usually helps clear my mind, but this major project seemed to organize the thoughts that had been lingering in my conscious and subconscious over the past few months. It teased out the “thread” from a tangle of anxious thoughts. This thread started with a small thought on the elliptical machine and finally revealed its full form through this deep clean.
Since I gained weight after taking a gap year in high school, I joined the track team and started going to the gym to lose weight, which eventually became a habit. I was used to setting a goal for aerobic exercise before even entering the gym—20 minutes today, 25 tomorrow, increasing to 30 this week. Once there, I would set the timer and watch the clock count down to zero. It was an ordinary day in April; nothing special happened, and I went to the gym after work as usual. But as I stepped onto the elliptical, I suddenly thought: Why not start from zero? Just hit “Quick Start,” watch the timer increase from zero, and feel my body’s condition as I go. If I felt like going longer, I would; if I was tired or just didn’t want to anymore, it was okay to stop. I ended up going for over 20 minutes, but the mindset was entirely different from usual.
The elliptical is a small thing, but it took a long time to have such a heartfelt realization. For so long, I have been doing things because I thought I “should” or “must.” I should call my family every week, buy Christmas gifts, share the Gospel, because it’s my responsibility as a daughter. I must revise this PPT page by page, because it’s my responsibility to the client. I should care for every fellowship group member and pray for them, because it’s my duty as a Christian and a leader. I should spend more time editing our choral music because that’s what a friend should do. Just typing this makes me feel a faint sense of suffocation.
In my life, “I should” and “I must” stacked up to become the mountain that crushed the camel. What remained was a crushed me and the conclusion that no matter what I did, it was “not enough.” Many things I did initially because I wanted to—seeing my family’s joy when receiving gifts, genuinely serving clients, expanding the Chinese ministry at church, doing a fun project with friends. But in the end, every “want to” turned into a “should do,” and the joy of wanting to do something became the burden of having to do it well.
Thus, the reflection on the elliptical was a small victory in breaking the “Should Statement” thinking pattern with my therapist. For the past year and a half, I have been doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and the cognitive distortion we discuss most is the “should statement.” This habit of using “I should” to whip myself into a state of stress is carved into my brain. Therapy has helped me slowly recognize when I am using this phrasing to pressure myself and hit the brakes in time. The anxiety from my time in China and the reflections in April gave me the strength to reboot—it was as if someone shaved off a part of that mountain on the camel’s back. I know a long-standing mindset won’t change easily, but I want to be more tolerant of myself and allow myself to have limitations. I want to do what I want to do—truly want to do. If I don’t truly want to do something, or if it’s only a responsibility-based “should,” and it isn’t urgent—then I will allow myself not to do it. I want the phrase in my head to be “I want to,” not “I should.”
Jesus taught the two most important commandments: Love God, and love your neighbor as yourself. Since I became a believer, my focus on the second part has always been on “loving my neighbor.” I must love my family, friends, colleagues, strangers, even enemies. But lately, I’ve been thinking: if it’s “love your neighbor as yourself,” how can I love my neighbor if I don’t even know how to love myself? In the future, I want to heal, I want to love myself more, and I want to enjoy life while living it. I want to sincerely and happily glorify God while practicing His words.
In April, my mom and I went to NJ to buy a birthday cake for my brother (with my dad on the other end of the phone). We also stood in a long line to buy solar eclipse glasses and saw the eclipse, marveling at the wonders of the Creator. April also saw a friend’s proposal, which was deeply moving.
I also finally hosted a long-promised party. It was planned as a Lunar New Year theme late last year, then postponed to a Lantern Festival theme, and now in late April, I finally changed it to a birthday celebration for Louis. Louis’s birthday is actually March 3rd, so he had no idea his mother was using him as an excuse just to have fun with friends. For the first time, we had a dress code (everyone wore pink for Louis). For the first time, I designed custom T-shirts for the party as rewards for the first man and woman to eat a “lucky candy dumpling.” I am truly grateful for the community in NY and NJ; the presence of my friends brought me so many blessings. Grateful for friends, family, and the Lord.
In April, I finally had the courage to face my weight. Due to work stress, I had been stress eating and gained a lot over the last two years, but I never dared to step on the scale—I was in self-denial. But as my mindset lightened, I became brave. Although the weight gave me a huge shock, I was happy that I finally took a step I hadn’t taken in a long time. After some research, I started intermittent fasting—both to lose weight and because research in recent years suggests it is a healthier lifestyle habit. Miraculously, this routine sparked a passion for cooking. I used to dread cooking for myself; once busy, my brain had no capacity for it, so I just ate whatever. When people asked what I usually ate, I could never remember. Since this April summary is written in late May, I can “spoiler” that I am still sticking to intermittent fasting. Although I occasionally break it for a day or two, I don’t blame myself harshly. Perhaps this self-tolerance is what actually helps me persevere.
April was also the first time I encountered a very difficult colleague, to the point where I was moved to tears of frustration on a Zoom call. Fortunately, it was Zoom, so I didn’t cause them any trouble. The colleague isn’t a bad person; our work styles and habits are just very different. Although I’ve often burned out over the years, I’ve generally worked smoothly and happily with colleagues. So, encountering this was hard to accept at first; I felt misunderstood and began to doubt my abilities. But slowly, I started to discard the arrogance in my heart and recognized my own shortcomings. I’ve learned a lot through the friction with this colleague, and I am grateful for such an encounter in my life.
