Post originally written in Chinese on my WeChat Public Account. Google Gemini English translation is available at the end. If any intellectual property rights are violated in the English translation, please leave a comment below, and I will take down the English version.
八九月一起写。八月忙碌，九月闲散。
八月的一开始是承接七月的生活规划。因为项目被叫停所以多了很多自己的时间。算下来几乎是八月九月两个月都没什么大的工作。这次突然的项目停止让我对自己工作五年来的心态变化有了更直观的认知。同样的事情如果放在两年前，我一定会立刻开始焦虑，上赶子找老板要新项目，就好像没有工作的时候我的人生就没有了价值。每天每天一直要和一个无形的假想敌赛跑，一停下来就要被它超过，落后就是输。但是今年好像项目停得恰到好处。没什么焦虑，很容易就接受。第一反应就是放松平和，没了工作也可以选择做自己想做的事情。
反思自己的内心想法，可能一部分原因是在去年公司被收购之后整体气氛变得愈加corporate。大公司里每个人都成了大分母上很小的分子，人性关怀从微观变成宏观最后等同于没有；同事之间的关系也就变得就事论事，少了些人情味，多了些有距离感的礼貌寒暄。加上刚刚被叫停的项目组人数越来越多，从原先的30多人到50多人，十分冗杂。花在等待回复、踢皮球的时间比真正做项目还长。没了效率，多了繁文缛节的行政问题，一个人能对项目产生的影响越来越小，就越发觉得心有余而力不足。自己的耐心和热情也被这种大项目组的节奏磨得寥寥无几。加上公司决定，因为在纽约分部的员工太少，就要关停在纽约的办公室，这样就从本就所剩无几的归属感中又削去一截。
还有一部分是在同一个公司工作五年之后，也有了“世界那么大，我想去看看”的心思，想去转一个行业试试行不行。下一个行业想尝试产品经理，就开始了各种学习，只是进展很慢，中间又很忙，一直到九月结束也没什么成就。但总体看这次工作停摆，整个人心态平和了许多。很开心的是这次心态的改变应该是在属灵和心理上努力修行的成果。工作不是定义我是谁的唯一标准。我的人生价值并不会因为我工作成果增多而增加，也不会因为工作一时受挫而降低。生命自从神在母亲肚子里把我们编织出来时就有了意义和价值。这种价值是自由的，是不被外界对成功的衡量标准所裹挟的。
八月中，父母来美国三周。我们一家人四口已经很久没有在美国聚齐过了。这次还是住在我的小家，很神奇的600sqft的房间可以放下四个大人。一家人在一起的时间总是过得很快的。这几周帮着老弟计划着求婚，吃妈妈做得花卷爸爸做得红烧肉，看书看剧看脱口秀，去Lake George游湖爬山，一起开始家庭读书会，谈天谈地谈心谈未来。能够和家人在美国团聚是特别的，是privilege，是免费得来的，是一件很多人无法享受的特权，是不能被当成理所当然的。真的很感谢父母的努力，给了我们孩子辈可以享受这样特权的机会，所以每一次相聚都要珍惜。
九月父母回国，老弟求婚，worship night，church picnic，教堂的新的academic year开始。之后老弟和准弟妹也回国了，所以这回是轮到我驻守纽约据点了。整个九月周末比较忙，但是周中很懒散。工作基本没有，于是一开始本想着八月忙碌过后可以心安理得地放松一下，结果就成了调整不过来的懒散节奏。七八九月又是一个节奏从松到紧到垮到紧的来回往复，和很多年来的节奏循环大差不差。自己一个人住很舒适，但是少了accountability，一切规律和节奏都是靠自己。自律可不是什么简单玩意儿。一个人在家，什么时候想睡就睡，想吃就吃，不想睡就不睡，不想吃就不做饭，想点外卖就花大价钱点，想在沙发上睡就睡，想在床上吃东西也无所谓，几天不收拾家没人管，可能除了照顾猫儿子这件事还是必须规律，其他的有关于自己的事儿想怎样就怎样。但是我还是我，那个焦虑的我。这样的空闲日子过了三周之后，终于脑子里的那个焦虑老田又醒过来了。九月最后一周赶紧想着把音乐项目做完，把每天的日程规划好，趁着九月的最后一天把这两个月的总结都完成了。最后九月终于在焦虑中画上颤抖的句号。
总的来说，八月九月最开心的事情就是家庭线上读书会办起来了。从有这个想法到真的开始读书是花了很久。和家人们一起读书有两个目的，一个是来源于我对不常和老一辈打电话的愧疚，希望通过读书会来加深和家人们的联系。另一个就是想让家人们通过基督教的视角来深度思考很多平常不去想的话题。我们第一本书是《婚姻的意义》，现在已经读了五个礼拜了。虽然我一个没结婚没对象的小辈带着父母和爷爷奶奶姥姥姥爷读讲婚姻的书是有亿点点班门弄斧，但是效果出来比预想好很多。家人们都很自然平和地分享自己的想法，也没有因为经验和时代的不同而不愿聆听。在每次读书会的最后也留出时间分享每周的开心事儿和下一周的代祷事项，由我为家人们祷告。一开始计划这个环节还是很紧张的，害怕大家对一些基督教的仪式感到奇怪或者不认可，但是真的很开心家人们能接受这种形式，和我一起低头闭眼祷告。
八九月其他开心的事儿也有终于把高中班合唱的曲目编辑出来了，下一步就是录制视频，希望能在十月完成任务。也把和家人拖了三年的歌的视频录好了，等着编辑了。各种活动也很好地完成，室外bbq，worship night，老弟的求婚等等。
十月份工作上重新开了一个项目。这次是一个小一点的团队，15个人左右，所以希望整体会更紧凑热情一点。十月会是忙碌的一个月。第一个周末是个5K跑，第二个周末有华语团契，第三个周末有retreat，第四个周末去奥兰多看朋友。也希望能恢复有规律的运动、读书。不知道十月还有没有心气儿找新的工作，求主能给我打开门，指条路。十月也会在家里新开始一个试点团契小组，算下来我现在在做的小组就有三个，稍微多了些。还有就是两个音乐项目的收尾工作。写到这儿真的感受到扑面而来的压力，所以十月的目标就是找到更好的节奏，能很好地平衡周末和周中，劳逸结合。但完成不了的事情就随它去吧！心态属灵健康更重要，不可本末倒置。
Below is a Google Gemini-generated English translation. I did not edit afterwards.
I’m writing August and September together. August was a whirlwind of activity; September, a stretch of idle quiet.
August began as a continuation of the life plans I set in July. Because my project was halted, I suddenly found myself with an abundance of personal time. In fact, throughout both August and September, I had almost no major work responsibilities. This unexpected pause provided a direct insight into how my mindset has evolved over five years of professional life. If this had happened two years ago, I would have immediately spiraled into anxiety, badgering my boss for a new project as if my life had no value without work. Back then, I felt I was in a race against an invisible phantom; if I stopped for a second, I’d be overtaken, and falling behind meant losing. But this year, the project ended at just the right time. I felt no anxiety, only a peaceful acceptance. My first reaction was one of calm: without work, I could finally choose to do the things I actually wanted to do.
Reflecting on this shift, I realize part of it stems from the changing atmosphere at the company since its acquisition last year. It has become increasingly “corporate.” In a massive firm, everyone becomes a tiny numerator over a massive denominator; human care shifts from the micro to the macro until it essentially evaporates. Relationships with colleagues have become purely transactional—less warmth, more distanced polite small talk. Furthermore, the project team that was recently halted had bloated from 30 to over 50 people, becoming incredibly cumbersome. More time was spent waiting for replies or “passing the buck” than actually working on the project. Efficiency was replaced by bureaucratic red tape. As my individual impact on the project dwindled, I felt an increasing sense of powerlessness. My patience and passion were ground down by the slow rhythm of such a large team. To top it off, the company decided to close the New York office because of the small headcount here, cutting away the last shred of my sense of belonging.
Another factor is that after five years in the same company, I’ve developed a “the world is big, and I want to see it” mentality. I want to try switching industries—specifically, I’m interested in Product Management. I’ve started various courses, though progress has been slow and interrupted by busyness; by the end of September, I hadn’t achieved much. Yet, overall, I’ve stayed peaceful throughout this work hiatus. I believe this change in mindset is the fruit of my spiritual and psychological efforts. Work is not the sole standard that defines who I am. My worth as a human being does not increase with my professional output, nor does it diminish when my career hits a snag. Life has inherent meaning and value from the moment God wove us together in our mother’s womb. This value is free—it is not bound by the world’s metrics of success.
In mid-August, my parents visited the U.S. for three weeks. It had been a long time since the four of us were all together here. We stayed in my small apartment; it’s a miracle how 600 square feet can accommodate four adults. Time with family always flies. We spent those weeks planning my brother’s proposal, eating my mom’s steamed rolls (hua juan) and my dad’s braised pork (hong shao rou), reading, watching shows, and hiking at Lake George. We started our family book club and talked deeply about life and the future. Being able to reunite with family in the U.S. is a privilege—a grace given for free that many cannot enjoy. I am so grateful for my parents’ hard work, which gave our generation the chance to enjoy such privileges. I cherish every moment we have together.
September saw my parents return to China, my brother’s proposal, a Worship Night, a church picnic, and the start of a new academic year at church. After my brother and his fiancée also returned to China, I was left to hold down the “New York base” alone. While my weekends in September were busy, the weekdays were idle. With almost no work, I initially thought I could relax guilt-free, but I ended up falling into a sluggish rhythm I struggled to correct. July, August, and September were a cycle of loose-to-tight-to-collapsed-to-tight—not much different from the loops I’ve experienced over the years. Living alone is comfortable, but it lacks accountability. Every routine and rhythm depends entirely on me, and self-discipline is no easy feat. When you’re home alone, you sleep and eat whenever you want. You spend too much on takeout, sleep on the sofa, and eat in bed. No one cares if you don’t clean for days. Aside from the mandatory routine of caring for my cat, I could do whatever I pleased with myself. But I am still me—that same anxious version of myself. After three weeks of this leisure, the “anxious Lina” in my brain woke up again. In the final week of September, I rushed to finish my music project and plan my daily schedule, managing to complete these two months of summaries on the very last day of September. Finally, the month ended on a trembling note of anxiety.
Overall, the highlight of August and September was starting the Family Online Book Club. It took a long time to turn the idea into reality. I had two goals: one was to alleviate the guilt I feel for not calling the older generation often enough; the other was to help my family think deeply about topics they usually ignore through a Christian lens. Our first book is The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller. We’ve been reading it for five weeks now. Even though I—a single junior without a partner—am “preaching to the choir” by leading my parents and grandparents through a book on marriage, the results have been better than expected. They share their thoughts naturally and peacefully, listening to one another despite differences in experience or era. At the end of each session, we share “happy things” from the week and prayer requests for the next, and I pray for everyone. I was nervous about this part, fearing they might find the Christian rituals strange or uncomfortable, but I am so happy they have accepted it, bowing their heads and closing their eyes with me in prayer.
Other highlights include finally editing the choral track for my high school class; the next step is recording the video, which I hope to finish in October. I also recorded the video for a song I’ve owed my family for three years, which just needs editing now. Various events were successful: the outdoor BBQ, Worship Night, and my brother’s proposal.
In October, a new project started at work. This time, it’s a smaller team of about 15 people, so I hope it will be more cohesive and energetic. October will be busy: a 5K run the first weekend, Chinese fellowship the second, a retreat the third, and a trip to Orlando to see a friend the fourth. I also hope to resume a regular routine of exercise and reading. I’m not sure if I’ll have the mental energy to look for a new job, but I pray the Lord will open a door and show me a path. I will also start a pilot fellowship group at home; including that, I’ll be leading three groups, which is a bit much. Plus, there’s the wrap-up work for the two music projects. Writing this, I feel a wave of pressure, so my goal for October is to find a better rhythm, balance my weekdays and weekends, and mix work with rest. But if things don’t get finished, so be it! Spiritual and mental health are more important; I must not put the cart before the horse.
