谷歌AI中文翻译在英文之后。如有IP问题，请在评论区指出。This piece was originally published in the Columbia Witness (formerly Columbia Crown & Cross) Fall 2018 print issue.
For a while now, I have been trying to find the exact English translation for the Chinese word “ji tuo (寄托).” I have consulted a couple of Chinese–English dictionaries and have asked for definitions from my friends, but there is no one English word that can capture the essence of “ji tuo.” According to a source on Baidu Baike (a Chinese online encyclopedia), “ji tuo” originally meant to entrust something important to another person for a period of time, and has now extended its meaning to be an imagined and unrealistic spiritual ideal that one’s mind and soul can rest on when feeling depressed, sad, and lost. It is a medicine for the soul and a means to fill the vanity of the heart. People with “ji tuo” feel grounded and happy and have an easier way to an efficient and high-quality life.
My special attention to this word originated from many experiences I had when I told my friends and family in China about my conversion to Christianity. Many of them had a similar reaction. They congratulated me and said, “I’m glad you have a ‘ji tuo.’” At that point, my family and I had been battling against my anxiety and depression for four years. We were exhausted, and all we wanted was a solution that could relieve me from all the pain and suffering. As a result, my conversion to a well-known religion was good news for everyone—now, my soul and my mind would at least be settled. They believed that once I had a “ji tuo,” somehow all the problems in my life would be answered and solved. Something magical and mysterious happened in that black box that is the Christian God, and I came out the other side with an easier and less painful life.
It was eight years ago when I first realized that there was something wrong with me mentally. During the first day of high school, while other students seemed to have no problem understanding class material, I could not concentrate on or interpret anything the teacher said, no matter how hard I tried. My mind was entirely occupied by thoughts about how fast my heart was beating, how much blood was rushing into my head, and how horrible the consequences would be if I kept dwelling on these thoughts. It was a vicious circle—the more I zoomed in on my physical condition, the more anxious I became. Soon after, I was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and mood disorder. I had to take a gap year.
Many times during the gap year, I thought about ending my life. The only reason that kept me alive was that I was too scared to end it. My fight against anxiety and depression was painful and tiresome—talk therapy, appointments with my psychiatrist, visits to a Buddhist monk, and so on. My family and I tried every method we could find. I was ashamed of myself and of everything about my mental disability. It was not just a mental “problem”—it was a disease, a disease that could never be cured, and one that made me hate myself. The world is so unfair—why did it have to be me? What have I done that the world had to abandon me? I felt lonely and helpless. So I left my hometown, hoping to leave my past behind. I came to the US looking for a cure, and three years later, I found one. But it was much different from what I had imagined.
I found God.
Many of my friends were happy for me, but in their minds, this was how my conversion happened: I was too weak, so I was defeated by mental problems; I was too unassured, so I needed to find a security blanket; I was too desperate, so I would settle for anything that gave me comfort. In some ways, they were right—I was not strong or self-assured. Ever since I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, I was caught up with the fact that I was weaker than everyone else. To me, normal meant no mental diseases. As a result, I believed that I was the abnormal one and that I needed to try everything to revert my condition back to normal. I spent most of my time trying to become stronger and more secure, only to discover after many failures that I could not do it on my own. However, Christianity tells a different story. What appears to be abnormal is actually a consequence of the human condition, “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”
Finally, I had the courage to face all my mental problems and say—yes, I am all that, but it is okay, because “[all] are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.” It turned out that I was never alone, both because not being able to make it with my own strength was part of being human, and because there had always been a Heavenly Father who looked after me, listened to me, and sent his own Son to redeem me. The years I spent suffering from and battling against anxiety and depression helped me to see how sinful and powerless I was and how much I needed a savior. To know that there is a savior was to let go of my perfectionist obsession to control every detail of my life and to let go of my need to be strong and “normal” with my own power. So my friends were right: I was weak and incapable. But through Christianity, I became okay with it, because I now know that weakness is the human reality and that the blood Christ shed for all of humanity is also the reality. The burden and shame I once felt because of my “abnormality” was lifted up, and all I needed to do was to give my yoke to Him and rely on His power to sustain and strengthen me. I can gladly boast of my weaknesses, and be content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. “For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
Though my friends were right about how weak I was, they did not fully understand how my desperation led me to God. When they heard about my conversion, they equated God to a form of “ji tuo”—God as an elixir for all my pain and suffering. So, in desperation, I went for it. However, unlike what they imagined, Christianity was never a fast cure for my anxiety and depression. My life did not become happy and efficient all of a sudden. In fact, I constantly struggle with my mental problems to this day. There are times that I feel helpless and destroyed. I also go to a psychiatrist and have tried different antidepressants in the hopes that one of them may alleviate my conditions. It is true that God gives me comfort and security, but God is not a magician; He is a miracle maker. He does not trick us into believing Him when everything is just an illusion. He does not deceive our senses and make us think that all is well. Instead, He almost brutally exposes to us what is wrong with this world and opens a door to true salvation through the miracle named Jesus.
From the Christian perspective, the reality of the world is that it is never meant to be where we should be. When God created human beings, He intended for us to live with Him. However, as a result of Sin, we had to leave His presence because He could not tolerate our sinful natures. As long as we are alive on this earth, we will never feel completely at home, for through Jesus we have received a new home in Heaven. Christians are promised a lifetime of suffering as we struggle against the sins of this fallen world while obeying God’s commands from heaven. Like I said before, my life did not become any easier (as suggested by “ji tuo”) after my conversion to Christianity. I did not find a magical tool to fix my life. Instead, I found a hope and a purpose.
A Christian hope is not wishful thinking; it is an anticipation of something while knowing for sure that it will come. Nor does it give fulfillment according to earthly standards; it looks to the joy that is in heaven because that is the joy that can last forever. Everyone who believes in Jesus has this hope of eternal life and joy with our God in heaven. For Christians, all the afflictions and sufferings on this earth are only temporary. They are a result of us being in a foreign land. We know for sure that they will go away once we meet God in person and enjoy His glory forever in heaven. And gradually, this hope becomes the source of our strength to endure all struggles with joy in heart and mind. A Christian meaning is also different from an earthly one. Christians’ lives have meaning because God gave us meaning. We were not created out of chance or luck. We were designed and crafted by God and made in the likeness of Him. Our life was intended to be meaningful from the start, and our purpose is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.
Since becoming a Christian, whenever depression consumes me, I pray to God and am reminded that I am a child of God. My life is precious because an all-powerful God has given me a hope and a purpose. If I believe in Him and think He is more right than I am, then I have no right to end my own life, because God intended my life to be good and meaningful. Even though my whole world seems to be crumbling down sometimes, I know that there is a hope and promise that gives me the strength to run the race of life with endurance.
In the eight years that I have battled against mental disabilities, there were many times that I doubted my belief and wondered whether my faith was just another “ji tuo.” It is true that as a Christian, I can be confident in Jesus’ carrying my burdens with me, but it is not the case that my sinful nature is immediately purified as a result of faith. There are minor or major setbacks all the time. Christianity is not a magical vaccine that prevents us from being infected with the consequences of sin. Instead, a Christian life is a slow transition from complete depravity to improvement and sanctification. In these eight years, I felt so many times that I was about to be crushed by life’s heavy load, but again and again, God strengthened me. Every time I wanted to give up, I prayed to God, and He answered me. The answer Christianity provides for my troubles is not a magical yet thoughtless relief; it is one that is normal yet profound. My mental disability is normal, but God’s love for me is profound; I am weak yet He is strong. Belief in the redemption of sin by Jesus’ blood gave me the courage to put down all the baggage and shame I had because of anxiety and depression, and knowledge of God’s power, love, and promise gave me the power to start anew and endure whatever comes before me.
That being said, I am in no way trying to prove to anyone through this essay that the Christian God is real. When I shared with my friends how God had sustained me through my sufferings in life, some of them told me that they believed that only they could save themselves and that whoever gave up and found a “ji tuo” in something implausible was undetermined and delusional. I think they are right to conclude that, given their worldview. There is so much trouble, suffering, pain, and uncertainty in this world, and if we do not believe in an omnipotent being that can help us, we would have to believe in our own strength. I once believed in it too, but it resulted in a time without hope or purpose, and I lost the will to carry on. I broke down and gave in to mental disabilities.
But what if this world was created with a purpose? What if all our sufferings in this world are a preparation for something much greater? What if it is okay that we are weak? What if we are never on our own? And what if there is a God who loves us and redeems us from the pit of sin and suffering even though we are unfaithful and incapable? The Christian God provides an answer to these questions through His son, Jesus Christ, and I believe God is real and active, and He loves and cares for His entire creation. I have had a bumpy life so far, and I know that my future is not going to be that smooth, either. But that is okay because Jesus has got me. With these words, I only want to share my experience to show what kind of answer Christianity gives and what kind of life an imperfect Christian leads, in the hope that whoever hears my story can also find rest in God.
以下为谷歌AI Gemini的中文翻译。作者并未做任何编辑。
长久以来，我一直试图为中文词语“寄托”寻找一个精确的英文翻译。我查阅了几本汉英词典，也向朋友们征求过定义，但没有哪一个英文单词能真正捕捉到“寄托”的精髓。根据百度百科的解释，“寄托”原指将重要的事物暂时托付给他人，现在其含义已延伸为：当人感到沮丧、悲伤和迷失时，心灵所依附的一种想象的、非现实的精神理想。它是心灵的良药，是填充内心空虚的手段。拥有“寄托”的人会感到踏实和快乐，更容易过上高效且高质量的生活。
我对这个词的特殊关注，源于我向国内亲友提及自己皈依基督教时的多次经历。他们中许多人的反应如出一辙。他们向我表示祝贺，并说：“我很高兴你有了‘寄托’。”那时，我和家人已经与我的焦虑症和抑郁症抗争了四年。我们筋疲力尽，一心只想找到一种能把我从痛苦中解救出来的方案。因此，我皈依一个著名的宗教对每个人来说都是好消息——至少现在，我的灵魂和头脑有了安放之处。他们相信，一旦我有了“寄托”，我生活中所有的问题都会迎刃而解。在“基督徒的上帝”那个黑匣子里，发生了一些神奇而神秘的事情，而我从另一端走出来时，生活变得更加轻松、痛苦更少。
第一次意识到自己心理出了问题是在八年前。高中的第一天，当其他同学似乎都能毫不费力地理解课堂内容时，无论我怎么努力，都无法集中注意力，也无法解读老师说的任何话。我的脑海完全被这些念头占据：我的心跳有多快，有多少血液冲进大脑，如果我继续纠结于这些想法，后果会有多可怕。这是一个恶性循环——我越是聚焦于自己的身体状况，就越感到焦虑。不久后，我被诊断出患有焦虑症、抑郁症和情绪障碍。我不得不休学一年。
在休学的一年里，我多次想过结束生命。唯一让我活下来的原因是由于我太胆小，不敢自杀。与焦虑和抑郁的斗争是痛苦而令人疲惫的——谈话治疗、预约精神科医生、拜访和尚等等。我和家人尝试了能找到的所有方法。我为自己感到羞耻，也为我心理上的残疾感到羞耻。这不仅是一个心理“问题”——它是一种疾病，一种永远无法治愈的疾病，一种让我痛恨自己的疾病。世界是如此不公——为什么偏偏是我？我做了什么，让世界不得不抛弃我？我感到孤独和无助。于是我离开了家乡，希望把过去留在身后。我来到美国寻找痊愈的方法，三年后，我找到了。但它与我预想的大相径庭。
我找到了上帝。
我的许多朋友为我感到高兴，但在他们心中，我的皈依是这样发生的：因为我太脆弱，所以被心理问题击败了；因为我太缺乏安全感，所以需要找一个避风港；因为我太绝望，所以任何能给我安慰的东西我都会接受。在某些方面，他们是对的——我并不坚强，也不自信。自从被诊断出患有焦虑和抑郁以来，我一直纠结于自己比别人更软弱这一事实。对我来说，“正常”意味着没有心理疾病。因此，我认为自己是不正常的，我需要尝试一切手段让自己的状态恢复正常。我把大部分时间花在尝试变得更强大、更有安全感上，却在多次失败后发现，靠我自己根本做不到。然而，基督教讲述了另一个故事。这种看似“不正常”的状态实际上是人类处境的一种后果，“因为世人都犯了罪，亏缺了神的荣耀。”
终于，我有了勇气去面对我所有的心理问题并说——是的，我就是那样，但没关系，因为“如今却蒙神的恩典，因基督耶稣的救赎，就白白地称义。”事实证明，我从未孤单，既是因为单靠自己的力量无法成功本就是人性的一部分，也是因为一直有一位天父在看顾我、倾听我，并差遣祂的独生子来救赎我。那些遭受焦虑和抑郁折磨并与之抗争的日子，帮助我看到了自己是多么有罪和无力，以及我是多么需要一位救主。知道有一位救主，意味着放下那种想要控制生活每一个细节的完美主义执念，放下那种想要靠自己的力量变得坚强和“正常”的需求。所以我的朋友们是对的：我是软弱且无能的。但通过基督教，我接受了这一点，因为我现在知道，软弱是人类的现实，而基督为全人类流下的宝血也是现实。我曾因“不正常”而感到的重担和羞愧被卸下了，我所需要做的就是把我的轭交给祂，依靠祂的力量来支撑和强化我。我可以夸耀我的软弱，并以软弱、凌辱、艰难、逼迫、困苦为可喜乐的。“因我什么时候软弱，什么时候就刚强了。”
虽然朋友们看准了我的软弱，但他们并不完全理解我的绝望是如何将我引向神的。当他们听说我皈依时，他们把上帝等同于一种“寄托”——上帝是治疗我所有痛苦的灵丹妙药。所以，在绝望中，我选择了祂。然而，与他们想象的不同，基督教从来不是治疗我焦虑和抑郁的快餐式良药。我的生活并没有突然变得快乐和高效。事实上，直到今天，我仍在不断与心理问题作斗争。有时我仍会感到无助和崩溃。我也去看精神科医生，并尝试不同的抗抑郁药物，希望其中一种能缓解我的状况。上帝确实给了我安慰和安全感，但上帝不是魔术师，祂是神迹的创造者。祂不会在一切都是幻觉的情况下骗我们相信祂。祂不会欺骗我们的感官，让我们以为一切都好。相反，祂近乎残酷地向我们揭示这个世界出了什么问题，并通过名为耶稣的神迹开启了一扇通往真正救赎的大门。
从基督教的视角来看，这个世界的现实是：这里从来不是我们的终点。上帝创造人类时，本意是要我们与祂同在。然而，由于罪的缘故，我们不得不离开祂，因为祂不能容忍我们的罪性。只要我们活在这个地球上，我们就永远不会感到完全宾至如归，因为通过耶稣，我们在天堂得到了一个新的家。基督徒被许诺在世上会有苦难，因为我们在顺从来自上天的神谕时，也要与这个堕落世界的罪恶作斗争。正如我之前所说，皈依基督教后，我的生活并没有变得更容易（像“寄托”所暗示的那样）。我没有找到修复生活的神奇工具。相反，我找到了希望和目标。
基督徒的希望不是一厢情愿的幻想，而是在确信某事必将到来的前提下的期待。它也不按世俗标准给予满足，它仰望天堂的喜乐，因为那才是永恒的喜乐。每一个信耶稣的人都有这种与上帝在天堂共享永生和喜乐的希望。对于基督徒来说，世上所有的苦难和折磨都只是暂时的。它们是我们身处异乡的结果。我们确信，一旦我们亲眼见到上帝并永远在天堂享受祂的荣耀，这些苦难都会消失。渐渐地，这种希望成了我们力量的源泉，让我们能以心中和脑中的喜乐去忍受所有的挣扎。基督徒眼中的“意义”也与世俗不同。基督徒的生活有意义，是因为上帝赋予了我们意义。我们不是偶然或凭运气产生的。我们是由上帝设计和雕琢的，是按照祂的形象造的。我们的生命从一开始就是有意义的，我们的目的是荣耀上帝，并永远以祂为乐。
自从成为基督徒后，每当抑郁吞噬我时，我就向上帝祷告，并被提醒我是上帝的孩子。我的生命是宝贵的，因为一位全能的上帝给了我希望和目标。如果我信靠祂，认为祂比我更正确，那么我就没有权利结束自己的生命，因为上帝定意让我的生命变得美好且有意义。即使有时我的整个世界似乎都在崩塌，我知道有一种希望和应许，给了我忍耐奔跑生命赛程的力量。
在与心理残疾抗争的八年里，我有过很多次怀疑自己的信仰，心想我的信仰是否只是另一种“寄托”。确实，作为基督徒，我可以确信耶稣会分担我的重担，但这并不意味着罪性会因信仰而立即被净化。挫折随时都会发生，无论大小。基督教不是一种防止我们感染罪之后果的神奇疫苗。相反，基督徒的生活是从完全堕落向改进和成圣的缓慢转变。在这八年里，我无数次感到自己快要被生活的重担压垮，但上帝一次又一次地坚固了我。每当我想要放弃时，我就向上帝祷告，祂回应了我。基督教为我的困扰提供的答案不是一种神奇却盲目的解脱，而是一种平凡却深刻的答案。我的心理残疾是平凡的，但上帝对我的爱是深刻的；我是软弱的，但祂是刚强的。相信耶稣宝血对罪的救赎，给了我放下因焦虑和抑郁而产生的包袱和羞愧的勇气；而对上帝力量、爱和应许的认知，给了我重新开始并忍受眼前一切的力量。
话虽如此，我绝不是想通过这篇文章向任何人证明基督教的上帝是真实的。当我与朋友分享上帝如何在痛苦中支撑我时，他们中有人告诉我，他们相信只有自己能救自己，任何放弃自我、在不可信的事物中寻找“寄托”的人都是意志不坚定且异想天开的。我认为，在他们的世界观下得出这样的结论是对的。这个世界有太多的麻烦、痛苦、创伤和不确定性，如果我们不相信有一个全能的存在可以帮助我们，我们就只能相信自己的力量。我也曾相信过它，但结果是一段没有希望、没有目标的日子，我失去了继续前行的意志。我崩溃了，向心理残疾屈服了。
但是，如果这个世界是有目的地被创造出来的呢？如果我们在这个世界上所有的苦难都是为了更伟大的事情做准备呢？如果我们软弱也没关系呢？如果我们从未孤单呢？如果有一位上帝，尽管我们不忠、无能，祂却依然爱我们，并将我们从罪恶和痛苦的深渊中救赎出来呢？基督教的上帝通过祂的儿子耶稣基督回答了这些问题。我相信上帝是真实的、鲜活的，祂爱并看顾祂创造的万物。到目前为止，我的生活一直坎坷不平，我知道我的未来也不会那么顺利。但没关系，因为耶稣抓住了我。写下这些文字，我只想分享我的经历，展示基督教给出了什么样的答案，以及一个不完美的基督徒过着什么样的生活，希望能听到我故事的人，也能在上帝那里得到安息。
